One year later

365 days ago I was involved in a car accident on Highway 85 Southbound. My car was totaled and it was a shitty and nerve racking experience all around. This is where Metastatic Carnage came from.

I think it only fitting to start recording the audio for this tonight.

Hail, Serpentia!

This is the working prologue for the sci-fi epic. It's a little sampling from the holy book of the sleazy ass priesthood of the 'evil' country of Perentia.

It's basically an easy way for me to intro the world, get some geography in your head and outline the sense that things work very different on the world of Mirabilis. I would also note that writing with a semi-scriptural style is incredibly laborious and mind numbingly tedious.

Like listening to music through a brick wall. Such is life I suppose, kudos to the crazy old goatherds who wrote the bible though. Must have been quite a chore.

Heigh ho, let us begin!

**************************

Serpentia

Book I: The Fall of Deas

In the darkness before time and life there was only Deas. From niether egg nor womb did Deas come. He simply was and always had been. Alone in the void he gave birth to Order. Through Order Deas created time to mark his passing and drew a circle in the void which he could fill. To the vast boundaries of reality he pointed his finger and commanded "This far, and for this long."

Order grew weary in the darkness and pleaded with Deas to create light to guide them. Though Deas thrived in the Darkness he created angels and appointed to each a glowing star in the ether. Numbered beyond reckoning the shining stars filled all of creation with pure and unwavering light. Thus was the power of Deas lessened.

He created the world and the seas also.

Upon the world Deas placed all manner of creature. Mena he placed highest for they shared his love of the stars and disdain for chaos. To each Mena he gave no star but a soul to thrive and hunger for life, truth and all that is good. As the Mena multiplied so to did the number and power of their souls.

Thus was the power of Deas regained.

Deas loved the Mena and bestowed riches upon them. All the stars dwindled and flickered as Deas tended to the Mena and neglected his angels. Every Mena had food, drink, cloth and shelter. Life was long and good for many lifetimes. As Mena became strong and happy the stars grew so dim that Deas had to spend half the day tending to his angels. Thus night came to the world.

When day kissed the face of the world mena hungered for light and goodness, as was their wont. Darkness proved too great a temptation for the mena to resist. Wickedness ruled the mena as soon as Deas turned his back to them. Thus did Deas soon weary of his favored creation.

It was then that an angel called Legion beseeched Order to save and protect the mena from their angry father. However, Order was a slave to his master's will and could not. Thus did Legion intercede to save the mena from destruction.

Mirabilis was the greatest and purest star that shone, brighter than the star of Legion. When Mirabilis learned that Deas intended to destroy the Mena she wept until water covered much of her face. To Legion she gave her light and offered herself as sanctuary to any mena that could be saved.

Seeing her noble sacrifice, Cala gave her light to Legion as did her sisters Bria and Streya. Legion outshined all darkness. And though the lights of Mirabilis, Cala, Bria and Streya were extinguished Legion reflected upon their diminished faces with gratitude.

"For we are many," he proclaimed. Thus was Deas made wrathful. All mena suffered terribly for an age.

Though celestial lights shine eternal the mena lived and died beneath them. Faced with this end the mena turned their love away from the stars and towards their children. However bleak and fragile the world became it was children who shouldered the burden of Hope.

Deas sought to undo that hope and poured his vengeance upon the world.

Knowing his place above the mena Legion appointed a champion to counter Deas in his jealous rage. Thus did Ander Perenti arise in his twenty-fifth year. And though the lights of heaven shook and shattered in the battle Legion overcame Deas and Ander rescued what mena Legion deemed worthy.

They left the world and came to Mirabilis in a mighty ship of silver, through the waves of darkness riding the winds of light. Legion, in his great struggle to destroy Deas, had grown weary. At the sight of Ander waving from his silver ship Legion felt renewed and cast the ruined body of Deas onto the face of Mirabilis. In shadow and sickness Deas cast off his body and hid himself in the night.

Having lived for so long in the light Deas plotted his revenge, sowing chaos and fire throughout the night. Mena could not comprehend the terrors of poverty and illness that Deas wrought. Again, Ander was called to fight.

Enough light and life had been granted for Ander to rule the mena in peace for as long as the stars could shine. In the darkness he lead his people against the evils of Deas. For one hundred and fifty years Ander ruled and strengthened the mena. He stood as a shield between the mena and the evils found in the darkness.

Despite the unwavering light of Legion and the uncanny strength of their king there remained one fear that has ever haunted the mena. Using the fear of death Deas poisoned Ander's followers and advisors against their king and their god, who is Legion. Since Deas could not incite the mena to challenge the light of day they instead rebelled against their noble king.

Ander fled his kingdom though the borders of Perentia stretched across the entire mainland. His shame and sorrow covered a much vaster territory, wider than all of Mirabilis and deeper than any sea.

So great was Legion's wrath that he fell upon the night and tore his father off the face of Mirabilis. Great mountains stand now where Deas clung to the world. Into the darkness Deas fled to sow his discord among the heavens.

In scorn Legion pursued Deas, slaughtering any angel who dared give refuge to their traitorous creator. All the while the mena were left alone in the permanent night. Crops and animals fell to death and madness. Nine of every ten of all the mena on Mirabilis perished in the struggle for what little food remained.

Upon the face of the void Legion captured and destroyed his father, scattering his ruin across the heavens in great globs and smears. None could challenge the might or goodness of Legion, and none ever will.

Upon his return Legion saw the desolation and chaos that had come to his realm during his absence. He wept deeply and swelled the seas ever deeper. To calm his grief Legion sought for his favored champion but Ander of Perentia could not be found.

Disaster loomed for all who yet lived and the mena might have perished forever. However, just as Legion always illuminated those who had served him well, he broke himself apart and showered life back onto the face of Mirabilis, last sanctuary of the mena.

Mia rained from the heavens and filled the bellies of all who remained. Though it gave life to the hopes of many all wondered why Legion's voice was silent when they called for Him in song and prayer.

Thus was Legion's voice divided into all that gives life, including his star. This sacrifice, greater than any other star, allowed the mena to survive even though it meant he would remain forever invisible.

The last words heard by the great light were these: "Where is Ander of Perentia that the world might be healed and its peoples united again? I leave you now, my children, as stewards of your own fates in the hope that you will grow and wise enough again to rule yourselves as Ander once ruled you. Though my voice falls silent now your eyes will never greet the day without my light, my love, and my favor.

Let us raise our voices in anger...

My friends and loyal readership (Kayla, Robb, Mary) a great and terrible misfortune has befallen the patron saint of this blog and my sci-fi authorship endeavor.

Peter Watts was beaten and arrested.

Original Article here: http://www.examiner.com/x-13081-Specu...

PW's Blog post about the event: http://www.rifters.com/crawl/?p=932

Link to Donate: http://www.rifters.com/real/shorts.htm

Link to his free stuff: http://www.rifters.com/real/Blindsigh... (my favorite novel)
http://www.rifters.com/real/shorts.htm (everything)

PW's email address: GiantSquid@rifters.com

I hate Sleaze!!!!!!

I'm typing this from Hickory, NC at a holiday inn express (near furniture mart) after encountering one of the dumbest clusterfucks in the clusterfucking history of clusterfucks.

Raid 1 is a way to set up two hard drives of identical size in such a way that everything written to one is also written to the other. It's also called "mirroring" and it's common to run across this setup in servers.

The nice thing about Raid 1 is that you get a layer of redundancy and a little extra read performance because you can pull data off both drives simultaneously. Raid has its place in the world but it IS NOT A BACKUP SCHEME.

Worse, if the raid card dies in a server the array is lost and you're boned x2. Now, onto the sleaze.

The backup 'solution' encountered tonight was the ultimate dick move in the IT world. First the array was split between an internal fixed drive and a hot swap hard drive sitting in the front bay. Nothing wrong with that. However every night the office was removing the hot swap drive, replacing it with an identical drive and letting the raid array rebuild itself. Every night, they were rebuilding the fucking array.

That's like walking around giving yourself an emergency medical procedure every night just to get to sleep. Worse, the point of failure would be exactly the same without an array.

If they had a single hard drive, no array, and the thing died they would have to restore from their backup. This would be a hassle but no huge deal. With the existing setup a failure of the raid card OR the primary drive would require opening the case and doing some surgery to resolve the problem.

What kills me is that whoever cooked this solution up HAD to have some degree of technical expertise to even do it. He should have known better and it's absolutely ridiculous that they didn't just have a simpler solution. In IT simple often means durable and adding complexity always means adding risk or maintenance costs.

My own company did not fare much better during the assessment. We ran HDMI cables for some monitors and had planned to convert the HDMI to DVI but there was only VGA available at the computer so...we lost about 5 hours on the job while my coworked reran VGA through the walls.

We couldn't even use the HDMI to pull the cable through because we had to drill bigger holes and the ceiling was full of dust and crickets, and we're pretty sure the crickets had been eating asbestos and crapping it out all over the place.

Nasty job. I was able to clone the array and knock out about 90% of the software so I consider it mostly successful. We still had to work until 8pm which is fucking retarded.

So it goes.

More nanowrimo stuff to be posted soon.

In the flesh...

Pretty damn funny, eh?

Brute Finesse (The Nanowrimo thing) Part1

So I am going to be posting some bits and pieces of the nanowrimo story as I go.  I have about 4k done so far, today.  This should be pretty obvious but the format is that the story is going to be told in snippets from the protagonists journal, letters, tapped phone calls and IM chat logs, basically the kind of crap that someone spying on the prot would have to compile to get things together.

That investigation ties into the story but not at first and not until you get to know Cecil a little better.

Enough of that shit, read on, and remember this is only about 80% polished because of the time limit.  If the story plays out well enough I'll be going back to spackle and scrape this thing into a real novel.

*************************

 [Pages from a ruined journal]

January 2nd,

The year is 2012 and the war is going badly.  Resolved to keep a journal but still failed to get an entry for the day of, that being the first day of 2012.  Resolution to quit smoking lasted 3 whole hours after I woke up.  It almost lasted about 3 minutes because I am used to just walking outside the tent and lighting up.

It's quiet now and the next engagement starts four hours from now.  So maybe I will just start with who I am and what I am doing in this god forsaken fuck hole of a country.  My name is [redacted] and I am something of a legend around these parts.  Never mind that 'these parts' are a no name mountain in the iced over ass crack of [redacted].

I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to fill the rest of this in so I just want to start by writing down a secret plan of mine.

When my tour of duty ends, just a few months from now I plan to marry the sweetest, funniest and most wholesome girl I have ever met.  I just sent Elise a letter home today.  Not an email, mind you, an honest to god flake of dead tree and ink on a plane back home.

There was a key inside that letter and it just so happens to open a small lock box under my bed back home.  Inside the box is the ring I plan to give her when the time comes.  For now she'll just have to live with the mystery.  I didn't tell her what the key was for, only that it was important.

I can't wait to see her again.  The way she smells is about fifty thousand times better than these unwashed cretins sweating energy drink and orange cheese flavoring.  Anyway, I am on deck for another 16 hour stint as a townie down in [redacted] and need to get some sleep.

Even Cecil doesn't know.  Hard to keep secrets from your best friend but the look on his face will be worth it.

[Letter addressed to Elise Marie Connor, postmarked January 6th, 2012]

Elise,

I'm sure by now news has reached you.  Whatever comfort I have to offer is lost amid my own wailing and the empty cavern in my chest where a heart used to beat.  [redacted] is gone.  I was two feet away and didn't even have time to say goodbye.  It was over before I even knew what happened.

We have known each other far too long for me not to tell you the truth of how he died, and perhaps you are as numb as me and this will come as no shock to you.  Perhaps the scars will fade more quickly this way.

The official report no doubt says that [redacted] was killed by a roadside IED on January 3rd, 2012.  I doubt that it will mention how much you and I loved him, how senseless this whole war and everything in it has become, and just how badly he will be missed.

I am torn between wanting to spare you further agony, if such a thing is possible, but you deserve to know.  I lied in the report about his last words being "Tell Elise that I love her."  I hope you can forgive me for wanting to spare my best friend the indignity of becoming a joke, or worse a meme for countless pimpled brats to snicker over.

You and I know too  well that he loved you, I don't think he mentioned your name once without mentioning how much he missed you or how badly he wanted to get home to see you again.

Yet the last words out of his mouth were "Say Cecil? You think if I grow my beard out you still think your mom will let me eat her out?"

Believe me I have tried to laugh about it.  I tell myself every hour, every minute that it's the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life.  In a way it is.  In a million ways it just makes me wish that I was riding shotgun that day.  I blame myself.  I don't know how I could have known but every second I have drawn breath is a needle reminding me that I lived only because my friend was there to shield me.

He was always protecting me.  Ever since I was a kid he was my armor and my parachute.  I always thought someday I would return the favor, repay all the years of kindness and somehow make things even between us.  What can I do now?  Who can I be without a friend in the world to call my own?

I am so sorry for everything that's happened, Elise.  I wish I could change it, fix it or just...something.

There's nothing else for me to say except that no matter how deep and dark your loss, I am suffering as well.  [Redacted] was the closest thing I ever had to a soul mate.  And I would trade every girl I ever met just to have a few seconds, a moment, to say goodbye to my best friend.

Whatever I can do for you, I will.  Whatever I can say and wherever you need me I will be there for you for as long as you need me.  And when the time comes for you to move on with your life I will be there to say good bye.

Love, Cecil

[pages from a ruined journal]

January 18, 2012

[redacted] is dead.  And I have taken up this journal in his name.

The camp shrink has told me that I have moved from bargaining to depression in the five stages of grief.  The only upshot is that the fucking chaplain has given up on me for now.  I've had enough platitudes and pats on the back to last me a fucking lifetime.

But this entry is not for me it is for [redacted], he was my best friend and I have known him all my life.  I suppose it is only fitting that I take up the pen.  So much of our life, through coincidence or company, has evolved in eerie synchrony.

We were born 3 days apart, in the same hospital, under very different circumstances.  Though he was born healthy enough I was ripped from my mother in a gory rush that probably lead to a busy day at the hospital laundry.  As such I was kept under observation and strictly monitored.  My heart stopped twice and my lungs are shitty to this day as a result.

Something about being crammed through a birth canal squeezes out the goo in ways that modern medicine struggles to emulate.

Anyway.  If not for my prolonged stay it is unlikely that my parents would have met [redacted]'s parents at all.  It was their friendship, brief and tenuous though it was, that ensured our destinies would intertwine once more.  On the day he died we were as close as brothers, and tightly wound as DNA itself.

Until age 6 we were inseparable, and so were our parents.  Then he moved, and life turned somewhat shitty for a long time.  It was hard for me, having invested so much time into the friendship and finding none of my peers as worthy a companion as he.

But I lived.  Time went on, and so did we.

Middle school was hell.  The usual cliques and bullshit made things more than a little miserable but life was bearable.  It wasn't until about 3 months into 6th grade that things changed for me.  This was the stretch of time it took four boys in my grade to become comfortable enough as friends to start beating the crap out of me on a regular basis.

Things were bad enough before hand, my asthma made me something of an outcast because I could barely control it.  Several times I had to hear "Eeew, I don't wanna sit near Cecil he's nasty."  Even this humiliation I could bear.  Fuck what they say about words not hurting, I'd set them on balance with sticks and stones any day of the week.

So these four twats, Shane, Marcus, Sam and Eddie, were all bigger dumber and meaner than me.  The thing that put me in their crosshairs: not helping Eddie cheat on a test.   It wasn't a multiple choice or a true/false ordeal it was a fucking essay question on the important role of malleability in modern living.

How the fuck do you whisper something like a coherent paragraph without getting caught?  Apparently these guys were dumb enough not to even see the futility in the asking.  A pity, but not one that went unpunished.

Weeks passed.  Injuries accumulated.  None of the teachers seemed to notice or care.  Trying to show them my bruises or that I was being ganged up on usually ended with scoldings like "you boys need to stop fighting" and "please Cecil, this is recess go and have fun and stop bothering us."

So twats were beating me, while other twats were too busy gossiping to step in and help.  My parents offered similarly worthless advice: "Try being really nice to them," Mom would say.  Fucking brilliant in whatever shiny world she grew up in.  I actually tried it and got a cracked rib for my trouble.  Thanks mom.

At a time when I felt that the whole world had sunk into this unending syncline of misery and every authority figure around me seemed to be in complete denial I wrote my friend a letter.  He called me the day he got it and we talked for an hour about what to do.

Being four hours away I could not count on him to actually help.  He might as well have lived on the moon.  Still, he managed to help in the weirdest way possible.  [Redacted] mailed me his father's pistol and a handful of bullets.

Luckily my dad intercepted the package before I ever saw it.  Luckily because I would be writing my memoirs from inside a padded cell if I had been given time to use it. I told dad it was a CD player that [redacted] was going to let me borrow.  Dad thought it had been stolen or something and opened it up.  Needless to say, things changed drastically after that.

School officials got involved, finally, and the gang of four ceased their daily beatings.  Well, at least they moved to weekly beatings and daily verbal abuse.  Still, progress.

Things improved further the next year when two of the guys moved away.  Four on one is a dirty slaughter, but two on one makes evasion almost easy.  And by this time I had hit a little growth spurt so I was more or less on equal fitting with Eddie.  Sam could still thrash me any day of the week but he was slow and chubbier than me so I could usually stay beyond pummeling range.

If I am harping on this incident too much, allow me to explain the significance.

[Redacted] gave me enough slack to escape from my usual torment.  And he did it at the expense of being grounded for the rest of the school year.  Can you even imagine that? What 11 year old kid could devise a plan, and he swore it was his intention all along to provoke intervention from the parents, execute it and bear the punishment faithfully for a friend he barely ever saw and lived hours away from?

My best friend did that for me.  God damn it I miss him.

The time for tears will come again.  If I must laud him further consider the aftermath.  The hole, opened by my friend, widened by circumstance and at last I could fight the battle for myself.  Any day when Sam and Eddie were both in school I was a ghost.  If one of them was sick, or didn't make it because their stupid redneck dads were too hung over to give them a ride I made life hell for the other.

Eddie was the nastier of the two.  You could write up a nice little case study about this creep and his eagerness to pass on the abuse he suffered at home to anyone and anything around him.  One day he told me that his cat had kittens and he ran them over with a lawnmower because it was funny.

Serious sociopathic shit, right?

The day I snapped was shortly after that anecdotal atrocity came to light in the lunchroom.  He was sick or something and didn't have the spirit to really lay into me.  So he just half-heartedly hit me with his canvas lunch bag.  There was a metal fork inside and the tines really did a number on my little skull.  I didn't even think twice I just calmly unslung my backpack, took out the heaviest book I could find and slammed it into Eddie's face.

He couldn't even move out of the way he was so surprised.  I didn't stop there.  You can't bottle up a year and a half's worth of rage and fear into one event but I did my utmost.  After a few more solid whacks broke Eddie's nose and jaw I wrapped my little fingers around his neck and tried to murder this boy.

Luckily for me and my tender young anus a teacher intervened and spared the life of this little bastard.  I was almost expelled from school.  Almost if not for the scrupulous notes I had kept of every single little slap and insult made by Eddie and the remnants of his gang since day 1 of the beatings.

Three teachers were fired, Eddie was expelled and Sam and I were both given ten day suspensions.

My journal made for a compelling enough narrative to spare my expulsion and landed me in counseling for much of my adolescence.  I tried, time and time again, to explain that I wasn't crazy and that there was nothing fucking wrong with me.  I was just pushed one too many times.  That's it.  Sometimes it's the fucking world with the problem.

#

January 18, 2012

I don't know how I can go on.  Only a shift ago I managed to write pages about the minutia of my history with [redacted] and now I have been staring at this damn book for an hour with nothing to show for it.

Except for this.  And twenty-three enemy kills. A new squad record.  My parents probably heard about it on the radio and fretted.

January 19, 2012

Another fucking day I wish I could unlive.  July cannot come fast enough.

The game is afoot!

It's mother fucking Nanowrimo time and "Brute Finesse" is already underway!!

Ah people...

"Today a friend tried to sucker me in with a clip of a girl that turned out to be a tranny. Once I realized what was going on I stopped the vid and went downstairs for a drink. I almost broke my neck when I slipped on a little bottle of lip balm. Now all I can think about is that if I had died they would have found tranny porn on my computer. And probably would have drawn the worst conclusion."

Nanowrimo...

The title of this blog is a contraction of National Novel Writing Month.  Link here.


Without being to quick to describe the challenge it's basically an attempt to write a 50,000 word (minimum) novel starting Nov. 1st and ending when the month ends.

The catch being you're not supposed to start writing UNTIL Nov. 1 so for now all I have is a few rough notes and the opening line:


"The year is 2012 and the war is not going well."


(Yes I stole that from TheoWarner but he stole it from Ben Franklin so it's public domain.)

The story as I imagine it will play out as a series of recorded logs, journal entries, IM conversations and maybe even tweets.  It will essentially be the collections of an unknown or unidentified (yes there's a difference) third party about an individual and his adventures with a certain piece of exotic technology.

It will begin in 2012 and end no more than a few years later and feature all or most of the following.

1) Cornucopia technology
2) Time/Alternate universe travel
3) A strong AI character with limited communication abilities.
4) Gratuitous fantasies involving what I or someone like me would do with a sudden and inordinate amount of access to highly advanced technology.
5) No chase scenes!
6) Kirk Cameron will certainly die
7) FTLC (faster than light communication)

I am envisioning a story that may peter out around 5 thousand words or explode into a whole new and strange territory that will allow me to complete the length requirement.  My only worry is that I will either fall miserably short or shoot too far to actually complete the mother fucker.

Only time will tell.  Until then I will gather my strength and start outlining but until Nov. 1st I will not stray beyond the opening line.  Should be interesting.

Especially since I have no name, title, character development or ending.  I should listen to Peter Watts and make sure I have at least an idea of an ending so I don't get bogged down like hell or just meander around and stop at some point.

Blasphemy day, mutha bitches!!!

Because it's never ok to murder someone for drawing a cartoon. On that note here's my latest vid for you to enjoy.





Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd! Here's a bonus. It's a picture of mohammed with a penis right on his face.

Now get out there and OFFEND SOME PEOPLE!

Something retarded for the HTWW shenanigans

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Mu video and pics

As promised, for anyone that wants them.

Overspill from the Answers Vid

If you haven't watched it already I invite you to either 1) jump in front of a truck or 2) take a look right here.





Regarding video games there is a lot to be said and a lot I will leave unsaid.  Suffice to say they have been an integral part of my life for about as long as I can remember.  From age 5 when I figured out how to pwn this crappy ascii game on our vintage 1982 64k ram and no hard drive computer, to the three gut wrenching attempts to make it over the first goomba in the original mario brothers, to the epic struggle to beat Street Fighter II with Zangief... They have always been close to my heart and have inspired a number of fantasies and fictions that no doubt linger on in my writing and thinking.

Regarding alcohol I don't do a lot of drinking anymore but when I do a nice warming glass of red wine usually takes the edge off and an ice cold beer is still very much welcome to the tastebuds.  But my favorite liquor drink remains "The Naughty Brown Cow" as first decanted by my good friend Tom.

Naughty Brown Cow Recipe:


1 oz Kahlua
1 oz Silver Rum
4 oz Chocolate milk

Shake with ice and to make the milk nice and frothy and then serve on the rocks.  It's heavenly.  Actually its better than heaven because it's real!

Regarding people who post first I think I am with the majority on this one: death by melon baller is far to kind a fate

Now I know some of you will stumble over here from youtube thinking something along the lines of 'man that guy is a dick' or something but I wanted to share a little about my philosophy of humor (for Krensharpaw) and to explain my point of view.

If you've read Malcolm Gladwell's book "Outliers" you know that it takes about 10,000 hours of practice to really become world class at something like playing an instrument or a sport.  The more you do it, the better you get.  Easy money.

However for things like writing, and stand up comedy there's probably some distinction.  Being a good, or at least an interesting writer demands more than practice.  You have to have experience of your own, insight into the world, a unique perspective or a story to tell that is rare among people.  Its almost a meta-talent and any number of factors can influence quality beyond putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard.

And I think humor is very much like that.  It's not simple, it's very nuanced and very context specific.  Jokes that are topical and awesome in one culture fall flat as hell in others.  Like writing I think humor can be influenced by a number of factors and there's always the element of practice for delivery if nothing else.

But when it comes to when it is appropriate to make a joke or who to make a joke about I draw very little distinction.  If the opportunity presents itself I feel compelled to make the joke regardless of who will find themselves the butt.  Be it a good friend or a respected elder or some prole on the street...humor should be blind to its subjects.

That's how I feel on the matter anyways.

Being sick sucks

Nothing informative today just a tired little announcement that my entire body has decided to counter the nasty microbe invasion of my throat by repurposing all of my vital organs and systems into squeezing my skull and producing inhuman quantities of mucus. I can speak, barely, and every word hurts like a fistful of caltrops raking around my trachea.

However I am grateful that even my shitty employer based medical insurance covered the visit and the anti-biotics to MURDER AND DESTROY the microbial malcontents for a measley 30 dollars. Thats probably the amount of money I have saved by eating mostly liquid and coffee for the past 72 hours so it all works out well.

If I had gone to the emergency room it would have cost me like 1 grand without insurance and 150 with. Remind me again why universal health care is such a bad idea?

Hero Complex

Last night I lay down to sleep after a long day of rollercoasters, beer and video games. It was Tristan's bachelor party and I, for the first in a very long while, know what it must be like when Alex crashes out after a long day of playing.

Even as my head rested on pillow I could literally still feel the jolts and jerks of our days activities. The right spiraling downward motion of Afterburner, the time-stopping lurch of Drop Zone and the bone shattering tumult of The Hurler rocked my vision like phantom waves after a long day at the beach.

It was a good day, full of thrills and excitement. It was a pleasant evening as well full of beers, shuffleboard (of all things,) and the aforementioned video games. Splashing virtual zombies was nice but the most fun for me was the unique joy that comes from getting a headshot on a galloping giraffe during "Big Buck Safari"

And that all made for a fine Saturday, I was pretty well beat up and worn out. My pelvis still feels slightly detached by the wooden roller coasters but the lift in spirits more than counterbalances the physical damage.

And today, a bonus! While tightening that damned errant nut that always makes the back right wheel of the push mower fall off every 1.5 yard mowings or so I got to placate my hero complex. And yes, I have something of a hero complex.

Perhaps I should preface. One of the redeeming virtues of humanity is that altruism comes naturally and often a sense of well being and purpose follows it. To a degree I suppose that's where the HC comes into play.

Without blowing my own horn I have to mention that this stems almost purely from psychology classes and the statistical apathy that also comes very naturally to most people. It's a bit like the woman who was stabbed to death in broad daylight and no one intervened. I hate stories like that and strangely part of me wants that opportunity to be the person who DOES intervene.

Today I got my chance, well, one chance among the many moments that come and go throughout life. I was dragging the mower out onto the driveway when I noticed a boy walking down the street with a large white pipeish looking thing with a pointy end. It looked a bit like a spear made of PVC pipe and just seeing it brought to mind some of the more dumb and violent chapters from my youth.

I watched boy #1 join up with a friend, we'll call him boy #2 down the road. They were shouting at someone further up the road who I would soon learn was boy #3.

What played out was that boys #1 and 2, each much bigger/older than boy #3 proceeded to chase down the smaller boy and use the big white pipe thingy to hose him down with water. Tears and crying shot out of boy #3 and he fled down the road, coming towards me and past the house, while boys #1 and 2 gave chase on foot.

Enter boy #4, armed with a pipe wrench, that's me. As the boys made it just about even with the driveway I stopped their punk asses in their tracks with a little use of what I call "the Dad voice."

It's not quite screaming but it's pretty close to how state troopers sound after finding a severed head or a bag of cocaine in someone's trunk. Long story short, the chase ended not with the merriment of beating the crap out of boy #3 but with two shattered egos limping back home to mommy.

Bless their hearts. I should have made them mow the lawn for me it was hot as fuck today.

Translation Party FTW!!!

My very first translation party victory.

Music for my loyal viewers

Gentlefolk and merry people!

Bookmark this page for it will be here, nigh unto the dying of the planet.

As promised here are links for downloading any and all songs 'composed' by me.

All files are hosted in my public dropbox folder. Dropbox is a kick ass little program that allows for free online storage. Default is 2 gigs, or you can pay for 50+ if you're interested.

Use this link to sign up for an additional 250mb of space. https://www.getdropbox.com/referrals/NTk0MTc2Mzk

Ambient
http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/941763/Ambient1.MP3

Synthdeath
http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/941763/synthdeath1.MP3

Spritely
http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/941763/Spritely.MP3

Robot Trombones
http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/941763/Robot%20Trombones.MP3

Stack
http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/941763/stack1a.MP3

War Chorus
http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/941763/War%20Chorus.MP3

War Chorus (fast and scratchy version)
http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/941763/warchorusfast.MP3

Slide Keys
http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/941763/Slidekeys.MP3

Sonic Emulsion
http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/941763/SonicEmulsion.MP3

Jealosy does not become us...

I am writing this from my office. I am in here, locked away from the rest of the house because the wife wanted to have a friend over to watch a movie.

The friend is recently seperated so I was told that I could not stay and watch it with them. The friend is also a cute blonde girl who just got out of a marriage. She's cute, single and vulnerable and I am sitting up in my office.

To make it worse the DVD player downstairs was acting up so they watched the movie upstairs, in our bedroom, in our bed. With beers.

So while I am sitting her clacking on my 6 year old keyboard with naught for company my wife is drinking beer in bed with a cute blonde girl.

Fuck.

I get PM's...

As I awoke and began my normal work duties I couldn't resist a YT bump this early and something caught my eye.

Normally when I get a youtube PM it's either because someone subscribed and is giving me a shout out or someone is replying to me for posting/flaming something. It's all good.

And now to my repertoire I add: sometimes I get super long, mostly copy pasta PM's from people who are long winded and mostly batshit instead *also semi literate*

No response needed, just wanted to share with my loyal readership of none.

[Original message follows:]

HI HI I saw your trailer about game called Heaven and trailer is preety good exept of you in the background yapping and talking like you just know every thing on this planet and universe like u ate all the brains of the smartest people,like u create universe,nay like u created and hated any way,visualisation and graphic in game is beautyful,all those things like river of life, pearly gates,golden streets,its simbolic and its all written in bible i dont know what is game about and what u have to do,but they took a loooooooot of things and vis.from the good book. its in Revelation,almost in the end,but it is mentioned a lot of time in all the Bible i presume by your talking and words that you are one of the people that thing that the earth and all the univers creates by its self just like that. i gotta tell you something or you are a hater,or you are some fals prophet or you dont have enough knoledge and experience in and about life for example; let say that one of the factorys of watches in some contry explode,massive explosion,and on that same place creates (thousands or just one) perfect working watch,... is that possible and what are the odds that could happened. example two; can you go if you have a garden or in some park,and just take one leaf or some plant,flower,if you have a microscope,or you can just look at it with naked eye,.. do you see how many cells and vessels and functions have just one flower,... now imagine a some animal,or a man,... and they functions,... check out nature,sky,day and night,.. its all working like its been set by some large space clock. day and night,...day sets sun sets,and in the miliseconds night and the moon and the stars take over. a man need for oxygen a plants need for carbon dioxide,.. man is oozing carbon dioxide and need oxygen,plants and flowers oozing carbon dioxide. why sun doesnt freez us,...because sun has been set to get us warm. lets took a humans,why they have 5 fingers and five toes on each arm,why not 8 fingers and 3 toes, you can check human inner organs,..lunges,heart,livers,brain,.. and its all connected yet they have diferent functions they are all consuming that red liquid called blood. you gotta thing a litte bit and explore and you will see. every thing has his own creator, car has his own creator,mechanics etc. in factorys,someone has to put computer together,or they are man or woman or robots programed and created by man or woman. you have to water the plant if you wanna see it grow, and plant need light,earth and water. but why not some other liquid,why water,why light,why not dark? why can i put pepsi or some orange juice and expect to see plant grow? how come that you didnt came to earth just like that,how come someone needed to made you? how come you just didnt flew from somewhere and start to be alive and growin and how come you dont just say i wanna some burger and burger just creates in front of your eyes from nothing ? last words: man,open your eyes,i know that life is hard,and there is a lot of people evil people that works for they own pleasure,telling us what they wanna for us to thing. there are some animals less bloodsucking than peoples, peoples are powerfull,they can be what ever they want,but can they fly without airplane, can the go in to deept of deepest seas and live there,can they go to the farest star and galaxies in universe? no,but people are made for reason,and reason is somewhere far from earth but so close to us. why we live per say 70 years and just die,leaving behind so much created things,so we can never go back. why are we made so complicated,and so full of love,emocions,hates,knowledge, ideas,emaginations,where does those things coming from and who put that in our brains and hearts. why we building lives,careers ,jobs, playing instruments for years, carring for one another, why are we even breathe? so that we die for 70 years and thats it,game over,,no no my friend, where is sense,i make no sense man,... there is something bigger than this little life of ours for another example,lets say demo game and full game, why demo games exist? its like preview of something more bigger and better and more lasting,right? last words ----------------- just sit one evening in chair,lazyboy or on some meadow,balcony,...and watch the stars, they are soooo far,its so many of them,amazing,look at that infinite space,and if is not,we will never go there unless someone take us and carrie there, i wish to go there,one day i wanna fly thru those galaxies and visit other planets and stars without getting sun burn:), or swallow by black hole :). i wannt this,i wanna full game man. -------------------- a question for darwin fans: what did and how did it create the first of the first of the first of the first molecule, before every one, before big bang(big bang have to start from something,also that molecule that has been encouraging big bang,needs to be create frome something,and so on and on and on,to the first of the first) ? where how and why? man took bible in your hands,say a pray,test good to help you with something,(not now like, "God i want mercedes right now",) not like that, but u never know,maybe you get merc. to,but you have to show loyalty and faith tore Him, example: you ask your friend to help you clean your car, how will you ask him,would you say"hey man clean car with me" or " hey,(name),would you please help me to clean my car" ????? so dedication and thrust is also playing role,..if you dont belive your friend and you getting all suspicious and cocky and rude friend will not help you,unless its your butler or slave :). about lets say Christ and his talk "this is my blood this is my boody" eat it and drink it you probably red that or heard in churches or on the tv. any way,lot of people ar just like faithless Tom, "i dont believe unless i see right away" so,people are interpreting in materialistic way cuz let be real,people are made from materia and the are very materialistic. so people without help from above or shallow minded or non believers(atheists believe in nothing so you are believer to,anyone could be believer and believe in any thing so,..you gotta believe in right and tested thing) didnt understand those words. those words where symbols for the cruisafixtion and death of jesus Jesus was half man half god,actuali he was god,but... example:a mother and little son walking thru some park,a kid saw anthill and a lot of ants, he got closer,but,they flee and run away,...after he ask his mother,.. mom,..why those ants ran away from me,and mother said,.. because they dont know you. so god or creator or someone who understand how everything works and functioning,needed to came down,because he was only with out limits so he could only gave life to they creatures that he game life in the first place. so "drink my blood eat my boody" was the simbolic for "Il give you life again". people where very very smart and poetic before,you wouldnt believe, just look all those wonders of the worlds that they create,and we will be fools to thing that they was like monkeys or peoples from caves that they dont know if they are alive or not. of course,if today exist people wich dont know to write,obviously they existed in the past, but they had knoledge of and from nature. but who create that nature from whom people did so beautyful things, it is impossible to think that something explode and on the same place something beautyful and builded so complicated has been created. look,if you believe in Jesus and Bible(whole bible) you cant lose anything,you could just gain a new life,in here and one day somewhere else(not on the cloud with harp like lot of people say,..you know there s a lot of people that kills and to bad things in the name of God,but they arent good,they are false,cuz God like bible says never changes,but people,.. like the wind blow...) so,better to check for your self,you can not lose,only gain, but...if you go with aproach like,.."i dont believe"..well lets say it ends your way and you are wright,but what if dont? believers are insured and but non believer , not so lets say that all people are turned in to atheist,..where is the future,.. earth is falling appart day by day,... nuclear war could begin tomorrow.. again, lost.. what is the point to all of this.... something must change,just like goverments over the centurys are overthroned, this missery must be overthrone to... if we can save our selves,.. only our designer(who know how we functionate) can do that patch us,create us a new,all to new. situation in the world is worse day by day,theres been trouble in the world,but not that often like in our days and time. every day go by,troubles are bigger and dangerous,faster and without mercy. something gotta give,or the earth will exploade(but earth is not guilty, wicked people tourtured her a lot and still they countinue,with load of garbage,nuklear bomb tests, oil etc.) or someone will save us read Revelation,in the New Testamen,at the end of the bible(bible is like a guide thru life,she stood a test of time,a lot of people wanned to change her ,denied her,"kill" her so no one knows about her,but she is still here and every where,...what is that telling you,..hm?) about coming of the creator and savior of his creatures. Jesus came first time like poor hard working man,to show us how to live and obey commandments cuz without commandments we will not know what is good and what is wrong so we will go by our on hearts,but our hearts are full of false sincerity and empty headed insticts so without 10 commandments we will be like sheeps. and without bible(you know why lot of world leaders forbid bible,...cuz "knoledge is power" and bible is full of knoledge,believe it,its true,try to readed,but first say a pray to Jesus, nevertheless he inspired people and prophets to write it..,....and after start to read it. it is amazing,you will found out so much things,.. but be careful, dont be inpatient, you need patient and faith , example: why one swiss guy who is building clocks, (back to clocks again :)) hand maded,why they are the best and most expensive? per say better than clock that some chinese kid witch is one of the many things that kid assembled that day, he now doing clocks,(he learned building them an our ago, while swiss guy building them for decades). why is clock from swiss guy better than from chi.kid,? because swiss guy building one clock for years,while chinese kid make them a whole bunch i an hour. example 2 witch is better and healthier: junk food,fast food instant food ,instant drinks etc. or food that need time and preparation to made it right,using by better and healthier groceries. so about reading we continue,... Revelation or one of the gospels it says in last days will be wars and famines,and brother will raise hand on his brother for nothing,.. (im just saying of witch i remember i read,i apologize if i miss some parts but everything is in the Bible,everything) and there wil be more and more of those things like i said in the beginning of text, there will be a lot of people wich will present theyself like saviors,financion saviors,Christs, saviors of the planet,and the envoirement,and chrysis situation,but all they will do will be broking commandments ,sitting in theyr big mansiones,driving big cars,and some of the will do miracles but they will be just for entertaintmant or no use or after something like it looks like miracles but after man will feel even wors. like curing people with touch of hands and so... last people wich could do that is Jesus Himself and his apostoles. no one from the day that last apostol died,till today,...no one,not pope,not blaine,not copperfield, no one,...they came from evil factory to deceive and abuse ,cuz satan hates god because satan was angel before called Lucifer ,Lightbringer,the biggest and the preetyes angel,..but he got proud at bit too much,he wanned to be like god ,actualy bigger than god who created him,without whom he wouldnt even exist. word prIde got I in it, I will lift my self above whole universe,said Lucifer,....and it said in the Bible,check by your self,.... on the last day of the earth,the satan himself (before jesus return) will show to people as jesus and beautyful,cuz he aint no more,he showed his nature when he slauthered inocent man to the cross. and he will seduce a lot of christians and non christians,... "he will make fire come down to earth just to seduce" a lot or miracles but for nothing jesus feed people and helped people with his miracles, but today its all about money prIde, and power. anthicrist is real,...but where is copy there is original,..right? bible says that second coming of Jesus will see every eye every man,saiz in the Bible,.. its true,.. antichrist,satan him self, will look like Jesus,speak like Jesus but,doing miracles like Jesus, (cuz lucifer doesnt care how he will take you down,long as you down) but remember,he will not came as Jesus! "every eye will see him" television :) isnt that funny how powerful got tv if every eye will see him,for the liar (lIar-capital i) and false creature,tv is only solution. but Jesus ,first he came like poor man,to show how and that we could live in peace in god and obey the law of life. "i saw someone sitting on the shiny cloud on the sky with thousands apon thousands angels around him" Jesus will came on the cloud in his full glory,with all his angels,not as poor man ,but the king of the universe. but remember,he will not get down to earth,he will be on the sky all the time,and remember with thousand appon thousand angels,not alone. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i wish you all the best in life and ...ask any thing il try to answer you btw,Jesus-God is only being that need to be worshiped no human,cuz today are and tomorow are aint,like a flower in the strong wind,he disapear just like that,..no animals or photos,.. ten commandments saiz you all Bible saiz you everything cheers

So that's it. Take it home, you dirty atheists. Bible saiz you everything!

Some FUCKED UP FUNNY stuff for the readers.

So I am working on a new video and right now i'm in the process of collecting clips of religious folk claiming that 'god is love.'

I suspected the cheesiest, whiniest folk would be my best bet so I did a google search for the following phrase "god is love joel osteen" since he's the corniest corn dog of them all.

Results popped, I clicked on videos hoping to find something useful BUT I found something way way better.

Here's a screenie, I did some surgery on the pic because I didn't want this post to be X-rated but check it out yourself.

Be sure to click on the image for the full effect.

A lot mo' video

I have neglected my readers, pardon me. But I have been busy elsewhere, so if you get sick of no updates here check Youtube every 48 hours for a new vid. My cadence and frequency have been pretty good so far.

Here's Part II of the Pdunn response



Heaven the Game!



Starfedrogue shoutout



Glenn Beck's radio meltdown



And finally Parts I through III of the CSE Pwnage series!

Part I



Part II



Part III

Some stills I have been using for YT videos

All of these pictures were created by me, and only me and as I have posted them here they fall under the Creative Commons License, like all things here.

In short, use the shit out of them simply add a link back to this blog.

Or, and to be honest I don't really care one way or another, you can also link to my youtube channel.

Here it goes: http://www.youtube.com/user/Keippernicus


Yes, yes it is.
I will comfort thee with my rod and staff. Giggity.
This one is actually something of a wuzzle, the irony is overwhelming.
And yo mama to!
A logo I was playing with for the now defunct Brute Finesse site
One of my first attempts, pretty ugly but so shiny...
You remember this from the Pdunn Pwnage vids right?
Nintendo style, what what!

Now the final logo makes me giggle and I am in the process of turning it into a tshirt/hoodie. I'll throw up a link when I get to a point where it's ready.

The problem over at cafepress.com is that uploaded logos are really finicky when it comes to edges and gradients so its hard to find the right balance of size and clarity. Fingers crossed though, my people.

Adapting to My new Fish Bowl

It's a strange feeling when 50 strangers willingly submit themselves to view your creative offerings.  And yet, as of right now today I have added about 50 subscribers on my youtube channel.  Incidentally if anyone comes from youtube to the blog then welcome and enjoy yourself, there's plenty of fun stuff to be had.

Here's the latest offerings, I plan to make a post with some stills of the graphics and logos I have made for recent videos.  Hope everyone enjoys watching them as much as I have enjoyed making them.

Debunking ESP using computers

I decided to take my youtube video selection in a slightly different direction. Right now I am working on a few videos for a new series: Computers Show Us The Way

My intent is to use our lovable electronic devices and use them as a foil for human brains to expose the weakness of various nonsensical beliefs and practices.

Superstition, prayer and homeopathy are all planned but the order/timeline in which they are produce is still uncertain. For now, content yourself with the very first of many: ESP!

****Update, the original video got cut off during processing so here's the full 6 minute video in all its glory****

Brian Kilmeade better get fired for this!

Imagine my surprise when I came across a video of a fox news personality saying that an Alzheimer's study shouldn't apply to Americans because...

We marry other species and ethnicities[sic]

I know you don't think anyone on TV could be that dumb, except for...well I take that back its about what we should expect from such a douche.

Enjoy the vid, I am sure you'll love hearing about it later on the cable news networks.

Glad I bought a Honda!

So I ran across this, a prime example of consumer pwnage that I just had to share.

This should sum it up nicely.

The first two times Jason brought his truck in to his local Toyota dealership for service, he noticed that someone had taken quarters from his change compartment. He complained both times, but was ignored. So the third time he brought his truck in, he placed a video camera on the passenger side. The dealership didn't ignore him this time.

Jason was originally only concerned about the missing quarters, but his camera also captured Hampton Toyota employees sifting through his medication, using racial slurs, and watching porn in Jason's truck. Jason emailed us a copy of the letter he sent the owner of Hampton Toyota.

What's crazy about this, and reading Jason's email will rip your gut up a little, is the youtube clips embedded towards the bottom.  I mean the behavior of both guys stealing coins and examining the pill carrier are so frickin' ROTE that you know these goons have been up to much worse.

I'm gonna have to start counting my change before I take my car in now.

Some beef with JaguarJ0nes on youtube.

Ok not really beef per se but just an objection.  Here's a link to JJ's channel he's got some really funny videos about pwning YEC's and their arguments.  Something about his video voice/expressions really sunk in and I laughed my ass off at some of his references.

But he insists that pangolins are totally gay.  Which is crazy, pangolins are totally awesome!

I mean it's a freakin' mammal with scales, freakishly overdeveloped claws, near immunity to ant bites *food source* and it can curl into a spiky ball when threatened.  Its kind of like an armadillo but so much cooler. 

Link to Original.

So anyway I made a little video, slammed it together from clips and nearly pulled my hair out because camtasia kept crashing and the audio splice was absurdly counter intuitive.  At any rate, I got her done and present, in full glory, for your viewing pleasure.

Jaguarj0nes LOVES Pangolins

Why isn't this on the front page of EVERY FUCKING NEWSPAPER ON THE PLANET!?!?!?

John Singleton figured out how to make radio waves travel faster than the speed of light.

FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT.

Are you fucking kidding me? Everyone on planet earth is worried about Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Farrah Fawcett and the crap going on in Iran when this...THIS has been announced!?!?!!?

Read the article.

And for buddha's sake remember today, I know I will.

Mo' video!

Granted this does meet the excellent standards of my fiction writing but I dropped another video on Pdunn's apologetic rectum recently. It's worth checking out on youtube but views here still count so whatev. It's just funny what people will believe.

Upcoming story: Dark Brigade

Here's a fiblet for my loyal fans. This is a pretty damned rough cut chunk from the latest story. Tentative title:

Dark Brigade

*****************************

Overhead the UAV’s are negative stars on blue backdrop. Look directly at one and they disappear, gaze ever so slightly aside and there it is. These pixels account for more human casualties than both world wars combined. Something like twenty thousand patrol around the continent, sipping power from their ventral photovoltaic cells during the day and guzzling ground based laser light at night.

Thousands of aimbots garrison the countryside. Each holds a sphere of territory, stopped only by the earth boundary of air and earth. I imagine transparent blue domes, like a force shield that doesn’t just block out attacks but actively seeks and destroys. Anything human or human built crossing into the killspheres has about one tenth of a second for acquisition plus travel time of 40mm hypersonic grenades. Aimbots look like plumbing, just a bunch of tubes surrounded by a giant canopy of solar cells. Don’t be fooled, these things can vaporize a chicken at their nominal effective range. Semi-intelligent rounds can track and intercept anything on the ground. I have seen moving light armor slagged with zero warning.

The UAV’s assist the aimbots by guiding munitions beyond and through obstacles the aimbot itself cannot see. Everything in our LPS network created by bases, aimbots, UAV’s gets flung to the heavens up to the unmanned orbital weapons platforms and out to the encrypted GPS network.

And then there was us, frontline soldiers in the Dark Operations Theatre. Only six hundred actual people had boots on the ground. Most of these are Base and maintenance personnel. Even us chosen few are largely superfluous as a fighting force. The machines react and kill faster than I or any other human could even blink.

Our opponents are new have little time to learn the art of war. Every soldier and device in the DOT knows the art of killing as deeply as our native language. GM’s hold local omnipotence within MMO’s but we hold that sway over huge swaths of Africa. Killing a handful or a hundred people isn’t scary or thrilling, it’s just work. Our domination of this war is so complete that we have yet to suffer a single casualty from enemy fire.

“Orders came in,” Wren says. Well, he signs it out since he doesn’t have vocal cords. His modded suit monitors both gloves and translates his sign language into text which appears on my HUD. Wren loves war, it’s the only time in his life where he can easily talk to other people. Our latest assignment scrolls in brilliant green text across the faceplate heads up display. This screen, crafted from some arcane meta-material in the hellish evolved design labs by DOT scientists, tells me more about the world than my eyes, ears and skin ever could. Fist sized chunks of shrapnel ricochet of it without leaving a scratch, leaving the glossy proteins of my eyes free to prosecute immediate retaliation.

“We’re going back into the city,” I say. Wren’s head wiggles his Mark III into a nod. So much quicker to subtext, I think.

“You think we can snag another thousand kills, and still be back to base in time for dinner?” Wren holds his thumb up; I don’t need tactile text protocols to interpret. We do a gear check and the two of us walk towards a city populated entirely by people that would sell a thousand souls to see us dead.

“You know what’s funny,” I say to Wren. “We have the safest job on earth.”