Friday, November 2, 2007

God Billboards...suspiciously non-canonical.

What follows is a textual list of the 'God speaks' billboard advert campaign. You can find the original images scattered around your highways and interstates or at this website. The caveat is if you want to see the images you have to click the link below. And to do that...

Click here and you admit that the traditional idea of god is washed up and unforgivable.

Ha, I am cruel. But in this case I believe that scorn and anger are wholly justified. These people are lunatics. Read the list, each line is a different sign.

Let’s meet at My house Sunday, before the game.
C’mon over and bring the kids.
What part of “Thou shalt not…” didn’t you understand?
We need to talk.
Keep using my name in vain, I’ll make rush hour longer.
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing…I meant that.
I love you…I love you…I love you.
Will the road you’re on get you to My place?
Follow me.
Need directions?
You think it’s hot here?
Tell the kids I love them.
Need a marriage counselor? I’m available.
Have you read my #1 best seller? (There will be a test.)
Do you have any idea where you’re going?
Big Bang Theory, you’ve got to be kidding.
My way is the highway.

I was tempted to go through and snipe each inane and intellectually ugly little comment. But I held back unlike with my church marquee blitz a while back. (on the old blog, if i can find it i'll repost)

Well the bill board bible blasters bave been bat bit bagain band but bout bthis bew bist bof bayings.

I love you…Te amo…(Asian characters, presumably meaning I love you. More likely they just mean Kung Pao Chicken...mmmm, yummy)
As my apprentice, you’re never fired.
One nation under me.
All I know… is everything.
If you must curse, use your own name!
Need a marriage counselor? I’m available.
Life is Short, Eternity isn’t.
The real Supreme Court meets up here.
Feeling lost? My Book is your map.

Let the sniping commence!!!

[I love youX3] - Now this is an interesting intro to the hypocrisy of Christian adverts. Consider, from the good book itself, Genesis 11, Verse 1: 1 Now the whole world had one language and a common speech. 2 As men moved eastward, they found a plain in Shinar and settled there.

Now Genesis 11 verses 5-7: 5 But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building. 6 The LORD said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. 7 Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other."

Damn it ALL!!! We could have had flying cards by 7AD and instead, two millenia later we're still just beginning to handle jetpacks!? Fuck. What a dick move on God's part. "Hey, stop inventing things and being intelligent!" Ick and more ick. But hey God loves you in three different languages so its all good. [/I love youX3]

[As my apprentice, you’re never fired.]

Did the big man ever take an apprentice? Because as we've just seen illustrated God apparently doesn't like things to be built or improved upon. I hate to think what god has to say about George Carlin's 2 commandments.

[/As my apprentice, you’re never fired.]

So far so good. The third statement is where things really get interesting though.

[One nation under me.]

Wow. I actually find myself in agreement. I know you think I am about to scream out something sarcastic, caustic or just plain ol' mean but I am not. The founding of this, our great nation, was largely due to a group of rich while dudes many of whom were deists. Now deists believe in a god but they take the more enlightened view that if god really created the universe it shouldn't require constant hotfixes and updates. It just needs to run out its perfection, like a watch ticking away until the end of time.

That is a God I can get behind. In fact as a young man whose sincere prayers went unanswered time and time again I can only express doubt as to whether any omniscient beings were listening in. True omnipresence, omnipotence and omniscience would make it POSSIBLE for a god or gods to hear. As to whether or not they give a shit...well, that remains to be seen.

Deism is practically atheism but it sounds a lot less scary to believers who may or may not be holding torches and pitchforks. A grim thought no doubt but one not totally unfounded. If someone put a gun to my head and said 'do you believe in god?' *the implications should be obvious* then I would probably either 1) Lie and say yes or 2) Crack a joke about the dick with the gun.

Neither outcome really suits me but thats the way the world works.

[/One nation under me.]

[All I know… is everything.]

Can of worms anyone? Worms in a can, let out, squirming all over? I never really got that expression and yet the message comes through. Making a statement so bold and crass is like opening a can of worms. I don't mean they all come spilling out all over I mean it just stinks. How long could a bunch of words survive in a can anyways?

Consider the implications. And most people rear back and say 'god didn't create evil he gave men free will and they cooked it up themselves.' which is fine by me. I accept that men (and women, especially women) create plenty of evil in the world without invoking supernatural forces.

But one has to wonder. The appendix appears pretty darned vestigial. Was that intentional? I mean if I was designing the ultimate motherboard I wouldn't put an ISA slot on it just in case. The appendix isn't even that useful. Its like including a 386 with a Quad Core Processor. The thing is obsolete and unaccessible. And yet, our genetic code grows and maintains the thing. It costs some amount of protein and calories to have a nonfunctional appendix living inside you.

So if it does nothing good for us, and yet can become inflamed and potentially lethal *not so much these days for first worlders anyways* and it exists therefore it costs us food and resources to maintain.

Lets consider that. According to the FDA 2000 kilocalories should represent average intake for an american adult. Lets take someone who weighs 152.5 lbs and do the math. 400 calories go to the brain leaving 1,600 for the rest of the body, yikes. So 1600 calories / 150 pounds = 10.67 calories per pound of non-thinking flesh per day. I wasn't able to find a good indicator on the mass of the vermiform appendage but they say its about 2cm wide and 2-26cm long with an average length of 10cm *bout 4 inches*

For simplicity's sake lets say that maintaining the appendix costs 1/10th of a kilocalorie per day, per person and do some more oversimplistic word-problemesque BS type math.

At the time of this writing the current world population is estimated at 6.75 billion people. For reference on my birthday in 1982 it was about 4.65 billion.

For only twenty-five years that is TREMENDOUSly scary. If we look at the resource cost of even 1 billion people the results are staggering. Remember only one tenth of one calorie per day is necessary. Over a billion people that means in one day the human appendix costs the human race... 100,000,000 calories of food energy. For 6 billion its 600,000,000 haha, that was too easy.

But even 100 million calories robbed from the ecosystem for some arcane purpose that modern medical science has yet to uncover? That is half a million krispy creme donuts people!!

I ask you people in all sincerity what sort of malevolence a creator would show with such drastic waste. I am appalled.

[/All I know… is everything.]

If you must curse, use your own name!]

Ha, ha. Gee Seth damn it!! just doesn't quite have the kick I like out of forceful ejaculations (i wanted to link this so bad but only because most people don't really get what i mean.)

[/If you must curse, use your own name!]

[ Need a marriage counselor? I’m available.]

Annual divorce rate statistics in America:

Median age at first marriage: Males: 26.9
Females: 25.3
Median age at first divorce: Males: 30.5
Females: 29
Percentage of married people who reach their 5th, 10th, and 15th anniversaries: 5th: 82%
10th: 65%
15th: 52%
Percentage of married people who reach their 25th, 35th, and 50th anniversaries: 25th: 33%
35th: 20%
50th: 5%
Granted those living to their 50th anniversary are probably nearing their 70's but still. If you get married at 25 then your chance of remaining together for the next 25 years is only 1 in 3.

Ok, so what does that mean? Well consider also that about 80% of Americans consider themselves religious in some way shape or form.

It could be, and maybe this is just a radical thought on my part, maybe people just make bad choices for their life mates. Maybe people aren't always meant to last as couples for a long time. Maybe the kids cause them to stay together until they leave the nest and then its go time!

Obviously there are problems with marriage. Whether they need to be fixed or the practice be abandoned I cannot say. However the emphasis on its place as a proper and fixed ceremony seem to becoming less and less applicable *Natalie if you read this I love you and no one else and please don't think I mean you and me* to society as a whole.

Granted it is hard to imagine a world without marriage and the traditional family but then again it is hard to imagine a world without the internet. But it once existed, I swear, look it up in wikipedia if you don't believe me.

[/ Need a marriage counselor? I’m available.]

[Life is Short, Eternity isn’t.]

Oh, snap! The scariest thing in the world is burning in hell for all eternity. And that is what awaits those of us who engage in lewd and lascivious (love that word) behavior all the live long day. Eating meat on a Friday: Hell. Sleeping with anything that isn't your spouse: Hell. Poking a badger with a spoon: Not sure, probably hell.

What irks me the most about the whole heaven and hell thing is that eternity is a state of permanence! It just goes on and on with no end. Usually I can cut off a concept or thing when proton decay or heat death of the universe comes in to play but eternity?

Harsh harsh words. Striking fear into the hearts of non-believers is good at putting butts in pews but COME ON is anyone really going to be a good believer if they join purely out of fear or self interest? It just seems like bad psychology to me. People are less likely to do bad things to others when they healthy, happy and educated or at least too busy to get into trouble. I firmly believe that people would do fewer bad things if they had better hardware or software cranking out their decisions.

For example: At some point in college, we'll shamefully admit that it was in Calc II, I realized my brain had hit the limit of its understanding. Shit! That's a terrifying concept. Things can be learned, relearned and approached from a new angle but hitting a wall like that was a bad day. I felt like less of a person because I knew my brain had smacked dead on into a limitation. Now maybe thats an overly harsh example and maybe if I REALLY REALLY studied my butt off I could crack it open.

But then again I could open a restaurant or start training for a marathon or do any number of things are considered admirable by others. I don't have time to do them all. Even if I had a thousand years to live I could never experience all the good things and all the bad things in life.

If I did then I might consider judgment day a fair step afterwards. But it isn't so I can't abide any deity that can't see what a few psych classes can teach a flawed and mathematically challenged individual can see plain as day.

Besides free will is largely a myth.

[/]Life is Short, Eternity isn’t.]

[The real Supreme Court meets up here.]

Comparing the heavenly host to a group of crusty old judges appointed solely for political reasons. Hmmm. Nope, I don't even need to comment on that.

[/The real Supreme Court meets up here.]

[Feeling lost? My Book is your map.]

Sanctu biblio, holy book, a truly large and interesting volume of text. Its like the beaten egg in the custard of literacy that spans almost 2 millenia. And yet, for all the majesty and splendor in the written words of god almighty there is not a single scrap of humor.

Irony and awkward situations yes but I challenge you to find a single passage intended to make a reader laugh.

There will always be physical, emotional, historical and biological contradictions to any and every faith of mankind but surely if we were created in the image of our 'father god' then he would make us smile once and a while.

I like to think so anyways. Then again, I never created a universe so maybe I ask to much. Perhaps god is simply tired and we should let him chill out for a billion years or so. That seems fair. So please to all you billboard sponsors and every poor schmoe that comes across anything claiming to be god's word I implore you: give god a rest. He's been through a lot lately.

[/Feeling lost? My Book is your map.]

1 comment:

Matthew said...

"I challenge you to find a single passage intended to make a reader laugh."

Do puns count?

"And I tell you that you are Peter[Aramaic, Ke'pha], and on this rock I will build my church" -Matthew 16:18

of coarse that lead to catholicism and we all know where that got us :/