Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Dark have been my dreams of late...

In case you're wondering the title phrase was uttered by King Theoden of LOTR fame shortly after being exorcised by one Gandalf Stormcrow.

I have been feeling somewhat disquieted and angry lately but without form or purpose this malevolence turns to pure frustration. Work has contributed but much more so than usual. It's like running a marathon with two annoying yappy type dogs in tow. I have the muscle for it sure but the constant distractions and kid gloves are getting tiresome.

Not that I've been sleeping much what with all the shenanigans and goings on. Anyway all my short term projects are over with and done. Trying to bring myself to work on a book or a short story turns instantly flustering, than galling and then I get so super pissed off because I want to do it but I can't fucking make it happen like I want to.

At the risk of sounding petulant, well no I am just going to be a bitch about it, I have been contemplating the injustices of the world lately.

Worse still so many of them prove to be good ideas in the long run or lean towards some aspect of the greater good it makes me sick. I mean of course the genetic proclivity towards certain behaviors and aspirations. I wish I could master certain parts of my brain better by allowing more conscious control and simultaneously curse the innefficent slag heap soaking up 20% of my caloric intake every day.

Stupid self-part of my brain!

Here's what I mean. When I set an alarm for myself I am perpetually waking up 30 mins or so before it goes off. I check the time and get frustrated because it's too early to get up. What sucks is that by the time the alarm goes off I just want to go back to sleep.

When Natalie's alarm goes off I snap awake in a second and it takes me an hour to get back to sleep. What possible use does that have for me? Oh good another hour to lie awake feeling like crap and accomplishing nothing. Thanks, brain. Really.

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