Sunday, November 30, 2008

The author has been sick...Ebola sick

And I didn't even get the benefits of getting piss drunk first! What a shame. No my malady, near as I can narrow, stems from some unfortunate food poisoning of late. The actual 'poison' remains unknown though i have a few guesses. Here's a few highlights for those of you with strong stomachs. If you do not have abdominal adamantite I recommend you skip this post.

So I go to bed around midnight on Friday (or early Saturday) and wake up a few hours later feeling exceedingly queasy. I stumble to the bathroom, feeling as though my insides are full of boiling castor oil and proceed to vomit about a gallon of orange liquid into the bathroom sink. This takes about 9 good heaves and leaves my rib cage feeling strained and riddled with hairline cracks.

Oh but the misery is just beginning.

After said vomitus I sit down to contemplate this new horrific chapter in my life and my butt does what my mouth just did only with results far more atrocious. The sheer volume of liquid is astounding! A full twenty minutes pass and I feel better but still sore and terrified that I just expelled about 10 pounds of fluid.

I return to bed, hoping and praying that the worst is over. Alas, it is not.

A mere hour later events transpire that compel me to return to the toilet and repeat my last performance with much squelching gusto. I have a pseudo religious experience as I try to will myself to die if only to be spared this agony. As my lower half does its dirty work the strain makes my tummy contort and hurt in ways I cannot describe. I have to throw up into my PJ pants since I cannot possibly stand up.

The horror, the horror.

Twice more the malady wrests me from sleep only now my aching torso adds to the misery. If I lay on my back I am ok but any move soon leaves me nauseated and woozy. Dancing yellow sparkles flicker at the periphery of my fresh new hell. I am exhausted and being forced to 'sleep' in an unnatural position leaves my joints aching and tender.

My last trip to call Ralph on the big white phone is the least pleasant. One thing about the human Gi system is that when being forced to suffer repeated expulsions of tainted food you get to sort of look back in time at what you have eaten throughout the day. It's now 6:30 am and I am staring at undigested rice noodles from lunch the day previous. 18 hours and they look exactly the same as when I last saw them dangling from my fork. A sickly pink liquid accompanies them to the sewer.

So that's how much of my thanksgiving went. It's now 42 hours since my first incident. At least 2/3's of that has been spent in bed, another 5 hours on the couch begging Alex to stop jumping on my stomach and a few more trudging around the house while my insides fight the good fight.

So that was my thanksgiving weekend, how was yours?

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