Tuesday, November 25, 2008

An oldie but goodie

So long ago, at a college campus far far away I used to have this girlfriend.  We'll call her 'Jill' for legal reasons.  Way back when we dated for a few months, I broke up with her and that was the end of it.

Or so I thought.

After the breakup a series of incidents took place that compelled me to write this list.  I thought about sending it to her, I really did but couldn't bring myself to crush her soul and self-esteem under my callous heel.  However it's been long enough so here's the list in its entirety.  I changed the names but nothing else, this was written in 2001 when I still considered myself a christian.  Hence the intro:


In the true protestant spirit, here are 95 theses about Jill regarding grievances, problems, wrongdoings, and failures.


1.) Jill is loud

2.) Jill is obnoxious to her friends

3.) Jill does not know when to quit

4.) Jill does not know when to shut up

5.) Jill does not care about other people’s personal space

6.) Jill only cares about her friends when they are cool

7.) Jill is not cool

8.) Jill always wants attention and does whatever it takes to get it

9.) In doing said action (#8) she annoys or offends everyone in the room

10.) Jill is jealous of her best friend

11.) Jill is threatened by her best friend and wishes her gone as much as we wish Jill gone.

12.) Jill is a compulsive liar.

13.) Jill denies the voracity of her sexual appetite

14.) Jill denies her drug habits

15.) Jill denies her drinking habits

16.) Jill is Catholic

17.) Jill lies about her hating to fight

18.) Jill will hang out with anyone regardless of character

19.) Jill is exceptionally naïve about strangers and safe behavior around them

20.) Jill will degrade herself to garner pity

21.) Jill does this in nearly every conversation

22.) Jill loves pity as much as attention

23.) Jill is content with a shallow existence

24.) Jill is incapable of having a sincere conversation without laughing

25.) Jill is socially helpless without her best friend

26.) Jill is one of those girls that was a ‘good girl’ until the opportunity for evil presented itself

27.) Jill wanted to have sex but is the only girl who couldn’t get any

28.) Jill will not leave her ex alone at weekend excursion shows

29.) Jill thinks she can dance really well

30.) She can’t

31.) Jill promised to “get more serious” (regarding conversation content) but didn’t

32.) Jill promised to stop stealing slang but didn’t

33.) Jill will change her preferences to suit people

34.) Jill thinks doing something her friends do that she otherwise wouldn’t makes her cooler when actually it makes her look callow and shallow

35.) Jill lets her best friend do her thinking

36.) Jill tries to be goofy but comes across as dumb

37.) Jill is easily swayed into sexual play

38.) Jill thinks she is funny

39.) Jill stakes a lot of importance on being funny

40.) Jill fails miserably when it comes to being funny

41.) Jill seems to think lying about improving or changing is a good way to fix things.

42.) Jill is content to play with the hand fate dealt her with no thought of change or improvement, accepting her lot as inevitable.

43.) Jill does no work but expects to do well in school

44.) Jill thinks she has a future following her current lifestyle

45.) Jill is easily depressed

46.) Jill assumes the worst and by doing so ensures that it happens

47.) No one wants to here her whine about her boobs or hair.

48.) Jill has very weak morals and beliefs.

49.) Jill’s convictions crack like thin ice.

50.) Jill can’t bring consistency to her vices.

51.) Jill wants and needs to be told what to do

52.) Jill is neurotic about letting go

53.) Jill is embarrassed that she likes rap music.

54.) Jill tries so hard to impress people but by doing so fails miserably

55.) Jill cannot take a hint, about anything.

56.) Jill does not learn new things well

57.) Jill couldn’t be original if her life depended on it

58.) Jill laughs at everything

59.) Jill has an annoying laugh

60.) Jill bites the hand (her best friend) that feeds her (by attracting boys).

61.) Jill will ridicule people with similar or the same problems as her

62.) Jill judges people on hearsay

63.) Jill tolerates abuse if attention comes with it

64.) Jill hates her family for doing certain things but won’t hesitate to do them herself.

65.) Jill’s actions motivated the listing of her problems just so she can see them.

66.) Jill sleeps more than anyone else

67.) Jill brags about her laziness (regarding sleep)

68.) Jill sleeps so much due to a potassium deficiency, that’s her excuse, but wouldn’t remedy this with a vitamin supplement or by eating bananas.

69.) Potassium deficiency is a condition that would motivate some weakness and fatigue, but not one to motivate sleeping for 60% of your life.

70.) Jill makes incorrect uses of the word ‘beast’ in its adjective form.  For example saying, “I am a beast” whereas the proper usage might be “Jack smokes like a beast”

71.) Jill is too dramatic

72.) Subtlety is not in Jill’s vocabulary.

73.) Jill assumes everyone will like her if she acts differently despite obvious signs to indicate otherwise.

74.) Jill thinks she can buy affection

75.) Jill wants everyone to like her, but through her ultra-fluid personality changes she eliminates a ‘her’ to be liked.

76.) Jill thinks she is better than her actions reveal.

77.) Jill is a slave to her family’s whims, directly or beyond her awareness

78.) Jill lies about her getting into shape, or makes progress too slow to be noticed.

79.) Jill goes where she is often not welcome

80.) Jill plays on politeness to be tolerated in social situations

81.) Jill would rather be lied to

82.) Jill would deny everything on this list but change nothing

83.) Jill pretends to know what she is talking about when usually it’s something she ripped off from someone else.

84.) Jill has a man voice

85.) Jill gives off an aura of such helplessness that no one will tell her when something is wrong for fear of hurting her self esteem.

86.) She antagonizes those that do

87.) Jill is oblivious to most of her problems

88.) Jill will say anything to smooth a short-term problem but does nothing about the long term

89.) Her company determines Jill’s moral, beyond the scope of everyday interaction.

90.) Jill’s lies make it hard to like her                    

91.) Jill’s shortcomings are not a big deal until she makes them one

92.) Jill needs to realize she will never fit in until she is honest to everyone, even herself

93.) Jill has no value to her best friend, except as her secretary

94.) Jill watches too much TV

95.) Jill doesn’t learn from her mistakes.

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