Monday, January 7, 2008

Shrapnel tinkling off my invulnerable hide makes such sweet music...

How to become positive if you're a(n)...

Atom: Lose an electron!


Ick, the dangers of lolcats loom ever present

Rather than focus on the existing torments of a life 1/4 to 1/3 lived I figured I would delve into something a little more warm and fuzzy. Namely, self help and or motivational lists. I know you've seen them.

Ten ways to improve your life
The seven habits of highly sexed up people
How to improve your day in five minutes (42 solutions)

Now I admire anyone who attempts to make the world a better place or pep talk complete strangers if the only side benefit is ad revenue but let's take a slightly better approach to it. So I put together a list of my own to counter act all that touchy-feely 'you can do better if you try' bullsmack.

I submit that a healthy dose of reality is always good for the...perhaps I should explain. While I tend towards an extremely atheistic world view I do not totally discount that which cannot currently be hacked out and stuck into beakers or petri dishes or test programs. While I think the soul is a bit of a stretch I do in fact believe in what I will call 'the Human Spirit' (+5% to spirit in WoW)

So while I deny supernatural forces of any way shape or form I can still admit a certain sense of mystery when it comes to human dignity.

That being said here's the list in all its glory. Note if you're accustomed to seeing motivational lists then perhaps you should just go ahead and be afraid now.

1) Ignore other people. There I said it. I also say 'hey fuckwad, get a life' but that's ok because you're ignoring what I said. I firmly believe the happiest people among us are raving psychos with little or no regard for their fellow humans. Rather than shun and degrade them...why not try becoming them for a few weeks. It's the easiest thing in the world. My only caveat is that you restrain yourself inside the house. If you live alone...go forth and troll upon the quivering jowls of society!!

2) Eat a turkey sandwich. Get some tryptophan. When your body breaks it down the brain will be greatly benefit from the seratonin. Cut out as much phenylalinine from your diet as possible. That means cut out the corn, simple starches (in general) and diet sodas made with saccharine or aspartame. Splenda is much better.

3) Jack out. No that's not a typo. Finish reading this post then go outside and walk around in the sunshine. The human body thrives on it and if you ask the old man (who deals with old people and their failing health as it fails - side note [what a cutthroat look into the future aging geriatrics doc's must face!] activity level and exercise are THE key factors in how good you feel about yourself, how healthy you are and how long you're going to live.

I have a subnote for #3 because its important to elaborate with an example from evolutionary biology. Consider the dodo. Dodo birds, now extinct, lived all by their merries on tiny islands with little or no predation or competition for food. When animals are subjected to this they, as a species, dwindle. Their teeth dull, their muscles slacken and the minimum effort required to survive is what gets put out. Look at the stupid flimsy marsupials in Australia. You think Koala bears would still be around if they had to contest with the placental mammals of say...Africa?

You think about the lesson and reconcile it with your own life. Doing the easy droll things makes life seem calm and cozy but after enough time it darkens your spirit and melts away your soul. I'm only twenty five and every day I don't live like I want to I hate myself because if you just go with the flow then life doesn't come to a crashing halt but one day you'll wake up and you'll be forty-five and by then it's too late.

I'm sure at one point or another everyone has wasted a day. Think of your whole life. What if that day was your whole life. It would be easy, I have no doubt of that. But would it be worth it?

4) There is great joy to be found in the misery of others. I say this knowing full well the implication but there it is. Maybe its not true for you but for me I admit a certain sadism towards both the beloved and bemoaned characters in my life. I restrain myself only for Alex. And I say that not because I think she's too young to handle it but she's too young to do anything but cry. You don't become a great fencer by sticking pigs all day long. If there is no one to answer back, to riposte and retort then you're just wasting time. Now I'll freely admit that due care should be exercised. I have spent a large part of my life feeling out the gossamer curtain between how far you can push someone before they push back. It doesn't always work. However when I was 23-24 I got sucker punched for trodding too far. It sucked but I lived. And since that was only once in more than two decades I consider that a pretty sweet record.

5) Aging is inevitable. Deal with it. I'm not saying drop your fun guns and reach for middle age but nor am I saying that living solely in the moment is the way to go. If you're young, be young. Don't end up being the thirty year olds that hang with high-schoolers though. If you're older, enjoy it for what it is, you miss out on the hot young jailbait ass but at least you get MILF action.

There are trade offs surely but most people say life only gets better into your later years. I don't see how but I look forward to the day when I can finally wave good bye to my darling daughter (as she leaves for NC State, muyahaha, take that Natalie!) and then KICK IT with my then happy-but-starting-to-get-sick-of-me-tickling-her-for-twenty-years wife.

6) Some people will never like you. That's a shame, it really is, but then again there are a lot of assholes out in the world. By using some fuzzy math you can conclude that those people who don't like you are statistically more likely to be assholes than non-assholes. Take comfort. If the people who don't like you are assholes then the people who do...well they're still probably assholes but at least they like you.

7) You will never sleep as comfortably as your dog. This is a rarely discussed facet of life which brings me great swells of envy. Have you ever watched a dog just flop out onto a wooden or concrete floor? It's not fair!! Our stupid bipedal kludge of an adaptation fucks up our ability to enjoy sleep like that. Sure medicine and abundant resources are a good thing but come on...I have to drop 5k on a tempurpedic mattress while Tika can get the same deal on a busted up piece of cardboard.

The point of all this is that life's not fair for you but it's not fair for anyone else either. So in a way it all balances out.

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