Saturday, January 26, 2008

Letter from Hell...Response!

Readers!! If you haven't already check out this post about this video.

If you don't do it than none of the comedic value of this post will matter one darn bit!!

And now for your reading pleasure, a number of responses to the Letter from Hell courtesy of Zack the mystery xian!!

Reply 1: The Evangelical Response.

Dear Josh,

I just received your letter regarding a recent trip to hell. I hate to say I told you so but...dude, I told you so. Why are you so surprised I mean you drove home drunk you dumb shit! Is it my fault? If you weren't on the way to bone Kelly than none of this would have happened (not for a while anyways)

So I hope your life of sin was worth it, buddy. I would pray for your soul but we all know that's a lost cause. See you in eternity buddy.


PS The power of Christ compels you, bitch!


Reply 2: The literal response:

Dear fuckhead,

My best friend just died in a car crash YESTERDAY and you sick ass fucks are already trying to guilt me into believe not only that his death and trip to hell were deserved but that this is somehow MY fault?

Have you assholes ever heard of books, tv, newspapers, THE INTERNET perhaps? Josh had access to all the information he needed it's not like I was holding out on him. Excuse me but I assumed that my high school friend was literate.

You guys are assholes and if I find you sneaking more of this shit mail into my mailbox I will come flying out of my house with a hatchet in one hand and a can of tabasco sauce in the other.


Reply 3, The atheist response:

Dude, come on, your rotting corpse is less than two miles from school.

Reply 4, The Ok-I'll-pretend-for-a-second-that-this-is-real-and-if-I-were-a-christian-how-I-would-respond response:

Dear Josh,

At long last we discover which of us was destined for the light and which for darkness. Now, knowing which path you have chosen I am certain to choose the opposite. No doubt as the fires of hell consume your very soul whatever goodness once dwelt within you will turn to ash. This I lament but we are mere pawns you and I.

No doubt the dark one will soon tire of your ceaseless agony and the choice will once again be upon you. Be once damned and suffer until the end of time or be twice damned and rebel against the Order of the universe. I know you, Josh. I remember the time you broke that kid's wrist to score an extra goal in the closing seconds of the game. We were already up by 6 points and you put him down for months, just so we could win by 7.

It is clear from your postscript that you hope to join me. Well, my former friend, one day I shall indeed stand before you. However when our paths cross again we shall not meet again as friends, or men or even corporeal beings. No doubt you will see my shining armor glinting in the hellfire. My wings will bristle, yours will reflect the hellish blackness from whence they were stretched upon your frame.

And we shall do battle from the high plains of Gorgoroth to the very core of Hell itself. And just as the forces of darkness once broke upon the Crystal Arch we shall strike at your deepest fortress. Unlike the Charge of Iblis we shall not falter, we shall not fail.

When I see you again you will not see me in my current form. If anything you will see nothing but the point of my holy sword and the wry smile as you once again precede me into damnation.

Do not fear, dear friend. I will see you soon. I will see you very soon indeed.

Reply 5, The World of Warcraft Response:


You newb. Just start back over at the graveyard. Your corpse got pwnt by that truck.

PS you got any fused wire?


Reply 6, My response (having intercepted the letter)


Your death has deeply affected everyone at school, especially the team. We are all very sad that you are not with us anymore. However knowing that you are no longer alive brings about a selfish fear not for your safety but for my own mortality.

I know that one day I myself will make that journey from this world. Where there is to go, if anywhere, has plagued my mind for more hours than I care to think about. However the simple truth is that no one who is alive now has ever died and stayed dead for a time and then returned to tell about it. No one who has ever been alive at one point has ever made a true account of death and whatever consequences it may entail *besides the obvious.*

However. I am a rational person who happens to be a Christian. I believe that death is not the end. We can only hope that there is more to life than just life. My own fears and convictions can overwhelm reason at times. Sometimes the fear of hell is the only way other, less secure, Christians can make an impact.

I never thought that I would lose you as a friend because death is a rare occurrence in this time and in this nation. Kelly and Coach Adams came back to school and you didn't. I can't spend the rest of my life in a panic that my friends and family and anyone whose life brushes against mine. I have to hope that if there is a God that this God will realize that by living my life as a good and honest person that I have done well in this world.

Your attempts to guilt and shame me have only hardened my resolve. Life is too short to waste living in fear for that which might await us beyond this mortal coil.

I intend to live. If that brings me damnation then Josh, I will see you soon one day.

-Your friend, Zack.

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