Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Another mystery!!!!

So if you google 'awful opening lines' you'll probably come across the dark and stormy night contest in short order. It's basically a look at some hilariously awful first lines in novels that one can only hope, will never see the light of day.

I came across a file on my trusty archival Flash Drive called 'Awful Opening Lines.doc' and felt I had to repost them. I cannot for the life of me remember if I wrote these or if they are the work of some other demented genius.

I can go either way because of a few context clues and certain names that I use frequently as well as the sheer screaming randomness of the whole thing. Consider the first, it shrieks out Kurt Vonnegut to me, not that its that good or that powerful just has the weird tinge of reality whether you want it or not.

The last one is almost certainly mine or I picked it because of my roommate Matt and his similarly demented sense of humor. At any rate, enjoy, and if these are copyrighted by anyone else I will gladly attribute as I discover the originals (if in fact its not me)

**Update: I have googled most of these for choice phrases and so far no hits so its either original or REALLY obscure. The fifth one down is my favorite. And this is cheering because it means I probably wasn't up my own ass the entire time in college.

There is a boy. His name is Steve. Steve likes ducks. Ducks are birds. Birds are not mammals. Steve is a mammal. So is Jane. Jane is Steve’s wife. This makes Steve happy because he can ejaculate inside her and look forward to milk later.

Tinkling on the surface tension like so many tiny dices the sugar crystals danced like young ballerinas, clumsily but sweet, into the bitter coffee as so many of our young girls are drowned, in the hot blackness of society coffee. And I stirred my coffee, destroying the lost souls as a game-boy provided accompaniment with the tetris tune.

Our hero is a boy named Sid who likes a girl named Beth who rides a horse named Maggie that she got from her Mom who is a friend of Sid’s Mom who likes Beth’s dad because he is a plumber and therefore an expert pipe-layer named Dave who is a spy from the future who wants to save Sid from the dolphins, because Sid loves tuna fish.

On the fourth planet of the Daruka-Prime sector there is a young rebellion led by the charismatic yet impotent hybrid son of the Gorash invader captain, and a young earth woman, who seeks to free the planet for unregulated adult entertainment.

The stapler stared at me, it’s stainless steel jaw menacing my approach. I have seen this beast couple vast areas of white-land into vertical prisons. To understand this showdown you must know that I am Futyh, a soldier in the queens army, an ant on a mission.

My friend looked at me and said “I want to write a book about a guy writing a book about a guy writing a book about a guy writing a book and so on to infinity.” “Won’t that take up the whole universe?” “You’re missing the point, it’s about desperation and our reaction to immensity,” he said. “Oh,” I said.

Pounding my fists I could not contrive the worst thing in the world to say to her. Matt suggested I convince her that her dad hadn’t really died and then call her an idiot.

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